Am I Accepted in this Big World?
Editor’s note: This is the sixth, and final, installment in a six-part series examining major growth challenges that every human can encounter. To read the previous article, visit here.
We are now exploring our fifth growth challenge. If you’ve followed chronologically through each of the challenges in this series, I hope you’ve begun to recognize patterns in your own life and unlocked some of the roots of your long-formed habits, tendencies, and behaviors.
The final growth challenge is Acceptance, a later-stage challenge we typically face in early school age, between three and five years old. This growth challenge is unique because we all face it in some form, and it’s one of the most relatable challenges.
The Acceptance challenge emerges as we begin to interact with the greater world. For many children this age, going to school is the first time in their lives where they regularly spend time outside of the home. As a result, they experience the world in a different way than they experience it at home. Social circles and social hierarchies emerge. New authority figures are introduced. New sets of rules and regulations must be followed in a way that doesn’t always align with how things are done at home.
This is also the age when an expectation of production typically begins. At the preschool age and beyond, we begin expecting children to learn the basics of working, through classwork and homework. This is typically when chores are introduced in the home as well. Because of that expectation to produce we often begin gaging our skillsets, drawing conclusions, and judging ourselves. Am I a person who can produce? Am I skilled in the work I do? Do I get positive reinforcement?
In turn, the expectation to produce has an impact on play. Playtime becomes more complicated because it’s usually tied to it being a break from the production. The playground also becomes a place where social norms are tested. Children this age learn what is acceptable and what their peers embrace, but also learn what will be rejected. They are also evaluating the feedback they receive from the others around them. Will I be accepted simply for who I am? Will I be valued for the unique characteristics I bring to the world?
At some point or another, even as adults, we struggle with feeling accepted among the people around us. This is why this growth challenge is so universal.
Two main strategies for dealing with this growth challenge typically emerge.
The first is industriousness. These individuals are tremendously valued in our culture. They’re the typical Type A’s. At an early age, they saw the benefits of being the best student or the best athlete among their social circles and the adults who supported them. The feedback loop is that good behavior/grades/performance makes them acceptable. Where it becomes tricky is when these individuals tie their self-worth to their actions. For example, if you’re a person who draws on this strategy and you are tired, it may be difficult to relax even when you desperately need rest.
From a body systems perspective, these folks are hardwired for activity, so they tend toward more rigid or athletic bodies. These systems carry a lot of tension as they’re constantly on the move, ready for the next thing. That readiness, and the challenge resting, can make it difficult for these people to resolve long-standing physical pain or tension.
The second strategy is expressiveness. These are individuals who use their energy to get attention in the world. They can be very extroverted and are the types who take up space in a room with their personality; they are fire-starters and the life of the party. This strategy emerges when the early feedback they get from others suggests that attention comes when they’re loud, dramatic, or entertaining.
Those with expressive strategies tend toward less physical rigidity and tension. Their challenge is more often in grounding their energy and getting clarity how to effectively use it.
For both strategies, a great skill-building exercise is developing a practice of purposeful quiet and rest to get grounded, integrate all the activity that’s been happening, and come into focus on what really needs to happen next. It can be challenging to their patience (I’m deep into the industrious camp, so I know first-hand!), but with practice and persistence it becomes a great way to create greater precision in our actions and energy expenditures.
Tell me your thoughts about this series on our growth challenges! Did you learn something new about the challenges you face in your life? I hope it’s been enlightening for you to learn more about yourself, how you’re built, and your Soma Sapien journey.