Is Support Available?
Editor’s note: This is the third installment in a six-part series examining the major growth challenges that every human encounters. To read the previous article, visit here.
During the infant period of our life we have a lot of needs and rely one hundred percent on caregivers to deliver on those needs. Between feedings, connection, sleeping and mobilizing, we are at the whim of an adult to take good care of us.
The challenge comes in when these needs are not met. No, it does not always have to be drastic, such as being neglected or not given enough food. These needs can be disrupted in a variety of ways, from inconsistency in care, a lack of attentiveness, a variety of caregivers, or even something simple like a parent’s momentary focus on another child.
The foundational growing edge we’re working at this stage of our lives is Support. It’s as if we’re asking the world, “I have all these needs; is there help available so I can get them met?”
It’s important to note that many adults, if they were to really dig, probably have been impacted by times our needs were missed early on in our lives. It’s not always a “traumatic” event. Think about the all-too common scenario that many parents face – not being able to calm down their wailing infant. As the parents scramble to meet the child’s needs, sometimes for hours, the baby is helpless in getting his or her needs met. It’s usually no fault of the parents, but I share this example as a way to show how regularly and easily it can occur.
Another common reason for missing or even neglecting an infant’s needs are societal influences. Advice such as the “cry it out” method, rigid feeding schedules, short maternity and paternity leaves, and fear of spoiling the baby with too much holding can all leave a lasting impact. Lastly, there are often factors outside of a person’s control, such as a parent illness. Situations like this shouldn’t be wrapped in shame. They’re part of the reality we all live in.
When a child experiences a “miss” in getting support to fulfill its needs, two primary strategies get enacted:
They may learn to become overly dependent on others to get their needs met. These people are generally likeable, easy to get along with, and very empathetic. On a very basic level, they are trying to meet or attract other people who can fulfill their needs for them. These aren’t usually manipulative actions; rather, they are people who are trying to endear themselves to others who could be potential providers. Physically, their bodies tend to be less energized and have more of a “downward” orientation (to help you imagine what this might look like as an extreme example, think of what your body would look and feel like if you were exhausted but still standing). These bodies can tend toward joint challenges as they don’t typically have a lot of core stability.
They may become overly self-reliant and struggle with allowing others to help. These individuals have developed a mindset that they can only rely on themselves to meet their needs. It’s a more-active energy that’s generally well-regarded in our culture. However, this can make it difficult for these people to delegate tasks or lean on others for support. Sometimes, these individuals grew up in a home where the notion of “do it yourself, kid” was prevalent. With that higher activation, their bodies can experience neck, shoulder, or low back pain from the experience of regularly being in “doing” mode.
As I mentioned in the series introduction, these growth challenges aren’t always a negative; they all come with tremendous resources that have been developed along the way. They are simply biases in our wiring that have the potential to create limits we should be aware of.
If you are a person who relates to one of the two strategies developed to navigate the Support challenge, an excellent learning edge is to start looking for the ways in which Support already exists in your life. The tricky part for these strategies is that sometimes the feeling of missing Support is a perceptual challenge. It can feel like our needs can’t be met in the world, and experience often validates that feeling, but if your perception can open a bit you just might be able to see places that Support is indeed already available for you.
Stay tuned for the next article in the series exploring the next growth challenge: Authenticity.